Grace of Pain – how suffering made me a better human and how yoga relieved that suffering.

Spiritual teachers say that all the answers we need are already within us. But what if going inside is scary and confusing because it would mean facing our pain head on?  For decades I waged a bloody battle against myself refusing to fully accept my disability and denying myself better understanding of the chronic pain I have been experiencing.  Out of desperation and necessity, pain forced me to finally surrender in 2018.

It was 1987 in San Francisco.  Three-year-old me jumped up and down in our kitchen, ecstatic that Dad was taking me to buy a toy.  I sat in the front seat without a seatbelt. We were driving along a winding mountain road when Dad swerved to avoid an oncoming car and totaled his 1967 Ford Mustang against the barricade.  He frantically looked over at me and saw my head smashed an inch into the glove compartment. This happy day turned into a horrific one.

The years went by and I grew up like any other kid.  I excelled in both academics and sports. Yet physically, my jaw was misaligned and the rest of my body had organized around the asymmetry.  When I looked in the mirror, I saw ugliness staring back at me—my sad asymmetrical face, my droopy breasts, the scoliosis causing the right and left curvatures of my torso to be uneven.  As my inner critic became more loud and unforgiving, I became more depressed and insecure. I was very susceptible to stress. My fight-flight pounding heart mirrored the noise in my mind.  My body screamed as if she carried the crippling pains of the world.

Everyday, I’d wake up fatigued and aching.  Hot burning pain would radiate down my low back into my thighs and into my toes.  I couldn’t sit for long, stand for long, have sex for long, do anything for long. From the moment I opened my eyes in the morning until the moment I closed them at night, my pelvic floor would be clenched bracing against life.  

I’ve seen an eclectic spectrum of doctors and mystical healers.  I’ve had Botox shot into my back. I’ve had a Chinese healer “gua-sha” (scrape) me until I was raw.  I have three different kinds of heat packs. Sometimes alone in my car, I’d wail uncontrollably just to release the emotional pain.  Others days, I’d be so debilitated that walking to the bathroom was difficult because moving my legs hurt my hips and back. I’d feel possessed, writhing on the floor or convulsing on the bed as the muscle spasms and physical pain overtook me.  Some nights, I’d silently cry myself to sleep. Many times, I’ve envisioned ending my life.

When I was at the end of my sanity, yoga came into my life.  Like a chiropractor, yoga connected and realigned my mind-body-spirit.  I came to this ancient practice for the physical relief; what I didn’t anticipate were the emotional and spiritual gifts I’d receive.  I began to experience relief from the grief and fear I had been carrying as a result of the car accident and other traumas.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned from yoga is that there is an inextricable connection between our physical sensations and emotions.  A physical manifestation of pain can signify a much deeper pain beneath the surface. Because emotional pain is something we are not often taught to address, our souls bring it out in our physical bodies in order to get our attention.

“The body keeps the score,” says Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a psychiatrist noted for his research in the area of post-traumatic stress. “As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.”

Yoga gave me that courage.  This practice taught me how to tap into my own body’s wisdom.  “Our issues are in our tissues,” said one of my yoga teachers.  My tissues have locked in that trauma from long ago.  Understanding this was key to untying the knots and unraveling the mystery of chronic pain.  The more consistently I practiced yoga, the more my nervous system calmed and the fiery pain cooled.  Yoga helped me to face my fears, to trust myself and my body, and to be more audacious. Wholeness was taking hold.

Camel was the first posture to give me this visceral sensation of courage.  A luxurious revitalizing breath came when I dared to fully commit to the posture.  It was as though a paramedic had jolted my heart. My heart pounded anxiously as I lifted my head, leaned back, rested my hands on my heels, and gently settled into the posture.  Kneeling and anchored on the ground, my rounded shoulders rolled down and back, my caved chest stretched opened, my constricted windpipe exposed, I allowed invigorating oxygen to rush into my throat, heart, and ribs.  A long sigh of “Ahhhh” escaped my mouth as tingling energy coursed throughout my whole body. Camel was like a trust fall with myself, and I saw that I had my own back.

Armed with this newfound courage, I began to venture deeper into my chronic pain experience with compassionate curiosity.  Instead of resisting pain, I embraced her. As a result, I developed a more intimate relationship with my body and mind, and my practice began to reveal more questions than insights.  This puzzled me until I realized: THE INSIGHT IS ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS. Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me”? I asked, “What can I learn from pain?”, “How can I accept pain without judgement?”

I let pain be my light, my spiritual teacher, my guru—one who dispels the darkness of ignorance. I trusted this extreme discomfort in my body to guide me toward my liberation.

 Carefully listening and discerning the messages from pain has been incredibly humbling and healing.  I learned how big my ego was and how much self-doubt, self-hatred, and mistrust I carried. I noticed that my back and hips have been the dumping grounds for layers of toxic emotions that have kept me limited, in pain, and spineless.  Pain forced me into a corner and she asked the real question: “What do you really want?” The answer is simple: I want ME. Not what I think I should be, and not what others want of me. I learned how to say NO and set boundaries. It turns out the safest place to be is within my own truth.

I am no longer a victim.  

I am empowered to co-create with this experience.  

Pain led me to take immediate action towards my dream of long term travel.  I gifted myself time and space—a year sabbatical to move at my own pace around the world.  Without a plan, I quit my jobs and life as I knew it. I took a blind, courageous leap into the unknown.  With only a backpack to my name, I ended up traversing six Asian countries in six months, discovering different aspects of humanity while exploring who I really am.  For two months, I lived at a Sivananda Yoga Ashram in Northern India. Our school was right next to the roaring Ganges. I immersed myself in the yogic way of life, practicing daily meditation, pranayama (controlled breathwork) and asanas (postures), eating a vegetarian diet, studying Vedantic philosophy and the Bhagavad Gita (Hindu scripture), singing the bhajans (Indian devotional songs), and giving back with some karma yoga service to the ashram.  

This transformative experience in the ashram gave me tremendous gifts.  In the absence of the usual distractions, I began the real healing work of reconnecting authentically with myself.  I discovered that when I change, the world changes. I cracked my emotional armor and embraced ALL my feelings with love and acceptance.  Leonard Cohen said, “There’s a crack in everything and that’s how the light gets in.”  Yoga allows me to let in that light and shine it into the dark recesses of my being.  As a result, I’ve tasted tremendous freedom and joy in my body, mind, and spirit.

Through this harrowing journey of self-discovery, a profound answer surfaced from my core.  That traumatic car accident had linked happiness with danger in my subconscious mind.  I had spent my life never allowing myself to feel real happiness because I believed it was unsafe.  The grace of pain led me to yoga, and to a healthier way of relating with my emotions. The grace of pain has given me the strength and courage to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.  The grace of pain led me back to that deep sense of safety, love and peaceful silence that is always present. Through the grace of pain, I have let go of my fear of happiness, and I am finally truly happy in my own skin.  

I do not know if I will ever be free of pain, but we have become friends, and she has transformed my life into one worth living and sharing.

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Buzzcut – a story about beauty.

“Ooh, she looks so fierce.  I wish I can rock that hair cut like her.”  

“I can never pull it off.  I don’t have the personality for that style.  I’m not punk enough, bad ass enough.  That’s not a cut for me.  It doesn’t match who I am.”

These are things I would say to myself because I was too scared to try something new and  edgy.  Of course it didn’t match who I was.  I was insecure and didn’t want to stand out.  And with this haircut, I would be standing out like a sheared sheep amidst a flock of fluffy furry sheep.

In Kaohsiung, Taiwan on a sunny morning in March 2018, I waited my turn at the barber shop as 2 elderly ladies received perm treatments for their hair.  The big, round steamers covered each of their heads like giant helmets.  I smiled politely at them as they and the barber spoke Taiwanese together.  The aunty that brought me had her hair done here the day before.  I noticed she got a fresh cut and said I wanted one as well.  I played with the baby boy in the crib on the opposite side of the small room.  This is probably the barber’s home where she’s babysitting her grandkid while making some money.  

When it was my turn, I pulled out my phone to show her Natalie Portman’s buzz cut.  The barber exclaimed in Mandarin, “You want THAT?!  Are you sure?  不好看！It won’t look good.  你會想個男生. You’ll look a boy.”

“Yes, I know I’ll look like a boy.  I don’t care.  I feel that it should be what is inside that counts and not outside.  I know I’m beautiful.”

With hesitation and anxiety, she ran the razor hesitantly across my scalp. It felt like she was scared to do this to me.

I was scared as well.  I sat there holding back tears as I felt my locks graze my face on their death fall to the ground.  As I shed my hair and tears, I was shedding the old me.  I held on to her for way too long and it was causing me a lot of pain, both physical and emotional.  The identity and role I was playing for so long was dying.  Along with my hair, a lot of self doubt and attachment to others’ opinions seemed to fall away.  I was lost in my own thoughts as the surround sound of buzzing continued. 

I’ve always known I’m an atypical, queer, woman yet I didn’t always know how to express myself.  Now that I know HOW to listen to my inner authentic voice, that intuition, which is my deepest and truest guide, I now know what to DO.  Decisions are made more swiftly because I’m listening to ME. I don’t sweat it anymore. I trust me.  And before, when I heard that voice that admires other women with that haircut, that should have been a signal for me to pay attention because that’s a signal for “I want it – Get it”.  I have come to understand that I was admiring these women’s attitudes and the bold choice of their haircut more than just the hair.  I’ve associated this type of haircut with rebel, confidence, coolness, subversion, etc.  I didn’t think I was capable of it until I said, “Fuck it, what have I got to lose except hair!”

I used to think beauty meant being pretty and sexy. I had to work hard at being feminine which always felt uncomfortable and fake.  But by being 100% comfortable with myself, my version of femininity naturally came out!  Wow, I too can be flirty and sensual?!

When the buzzing finally subsided and I looked at myself, I was a bit shocked .  No more hair, well, really little.  This is the manifestation of a new beginning, new being, new me.  This is liberating!  The barber looked at me in the mirror and said admiringly, “漂亮就是漂亮” (Piao liang jiu shi piao liang), which translates to “Beautiful is Beautiful”!  A huge knowing smile broke across my face.  YES!  My message has translated to a naysayer.  There’s been a shift in one more Asian woman’s perspective on beauty today.  

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Your turn, dear reader. 

No, not to shave your head (unless you want to 😄), but an invitation to take this brief moment to reflect. Is there something you’d liked to do but don’t because you are afraid?  Maybe you feel you don’t deserve it or maybe you don’t believe in yourself.  How many times do you ignore that cliff edge and make up many reasons to justify your inaction towards it and even over it?  First step is awareness. Second step is imagine and feel into something different. Third step is action. Set the timer for 10 minutes and answer the following quickly (let go and free flow for this rough draft):

1) What do you want to do and why?
2) Why don’t you do it and how is this impacting you? Be honest with yourself.
3) How will you feel if you take action? How will your world shift?
4) What is the most feasible next step (big or small) you will take towards it? Add date and time. 
5) Who can you share this with and be your accountability buddy?
6) Now do it!

👏CONGRATS!  This writing exercise was an action step towards you becoming more you! Again CONGRATS!🕺

Don’t let your limiting beliefs keep you contracted and in fear.  That is you getting in your own way. Your own way is slowly suffocating you, like an invisible nonodorous gas.  You deserve to LIVE and THRIVE!  If I can get out of my own way, so can you!  I’m here to cheer you on.

I think we all want to shine and be energized from the inside out.  To glow with vitality, to feel the power within, and to move with purpose instead of lethargy.  It is infectious.  Others want to be around you because you energize them.  It’s the high vibrational frequency which my cells and your cells tune to.  It makes us all feel so good!  By being comfortable with yourself, you will shine so brightly that opportunities are offered to you and people are attracted to you, like a moth to a flame, and they don’t even know why.  I believe people will be interested in who you truly are because they catch glimpses of themselves in you. That’s when magic happens.

So, dear friend, don’t be afraid to push your comfort zone! It is the surest way to happiness and new horizons.  Find ways to step out of your box.  Expand your box!  Eventually, there won’t be a box big enough to contain you.  The Earth is your playground.  That’s when you are totally free to fly like a butterfly who, by the way, was once a grounded caterpillar.  Be open-minded to trying new things (safely) because you never know what you might learn or how it’s going to turn out.  And however it turns out doesn’t actually matter.  It’s the steps along the way that contain the growth — that is where the juicy interesting pieces of the process lie.  Sure, finally reaching your goal is amazing but that’s only one moment.  There are many other moments leading up to that one big one.  Those other steps are just as big if not bigger.  That first step is HUGE and very important because it will eventually lead you to that last step over the finish line (if you are patiently persistent). That elusive second step reveals itself to you when you commit so the nice thing is you don’t need to know or worry about what you don’t know! 

A wise friend once said, “You have to become a certain kind of person to reach your goal.”

Stay present to what motivates you and follow that. Remember to smell the roses along the way and celebrate your progress.

Trust yourself. You’ve got this!!!💪

xo,

Sasanna

“An identity would seem to be arrived at by the way in which the person faces and uses their experience.” –James Baldwin